Did you really just say that?

In the seven years that we fostered, my husband and I got our share of uninvited comments about our family and our choice to be foster parents. As Puerto Ricans with dark hair and dark skin, we stood out at the supermarket with the young blond-haired, blue-eyed children routinely in our care who called us “Mom and Dad.” People stopped and looked. And I understood that.

Just because I work in foster care didn’t make it easier when strangers made comments to or about my family, but I found it helpful to have a ready response. Here are five I often used to diffuse an awkward or insensitive comment.

1. Why does he call you “Mom”?

We have a rainbow family. Isn’t it beautiful?

Most people who are asking just to make a point don’t have much more to say when you ask them a question back.

2. Is his dad white?

Yes.

You don’t need to go any further about foster care or explain any part of the child’s history with a stranger who asks. The child’s story is really none of their business.

3. You’re crazy. How can you add more to your plate?

Yes, I have a lot on my plate. But I have a lot of strength too. By carrying so much at once, I’ve learned how to carry it well. I organize, prioritize, and multitask, and God has made a way with every placement.

Besides working full time, going to school for my master’s degree, and being involved in church ministry, I fostered while also raising two children and a dog. Yet everyone remained alive and fed every day. Our family knew our limits. We knew how many soccer practices we could do in a week, and we asked not to be called for babies or infants at that stage in our lives. We took breaks between placements to re-evaluate fostering and allow ourselves to miss it so we didn’t burn out. Doing so gave the whole family energy to do foster care longer.

4. I’d be scared of the parents.

Parents aren’t the enemy.

With each of the 11 children we fostered, we worked to build positive relationships with their parents. A child who stayed with us years ago would come for visits, and we’d go to his birthday parties. Another sibling group who stayed with us for a year still call us “aunt and uncle.” Their parents say, “You loved our kids, and you loved us. You didn’t judge us or talk badly about us—we’re family.”

Whether a child stays with you for three weeks, ten months, or two years, it’s beautiful to see a family reunited. We still set boundaries—I was not Facebook friends with parents, and they did not come to my home.

5. I couldn’t foster. I’d get too attached.

I love him 100%, but his parents love him 1,000,000%. If I was this amazing kid’s mom, I’d want someone to encourage me and be happy that I’m meeting my goals so he can come back home.

Foster care is temporary, and the goal is to safely reunite children with their parents. I put myself on the opposite side. As a parent, of course you believe your child will do better at home with you than anywhere else. And the kids want to go home too. We had a nice home; we had a pool and everything a child could want. And when we had a child in our home through foster care, they’d still say, “This is fun. I had a great day. When am I going home?”

You do get attached to children in your care, and a stable adult in their lives who can make them feel safe is what they need right now. But that child wants to be home with his mom. I’d say, “I want that for you too.” Foster care isn’t about us. Yes, I cried. I bawled every single time a child left our home. But I was happiest when I knew a child could have a future with their family.